F U N E X?

[gominokouhai]

Since I'm now a big-shot manager I've had no time to do anything and I've been eating a lot of take-away pizza. Additionally, I now live in a flat with the worst antiquated electric hob since they bulldozed the last postwar prefab. I think the people at the end of Threads had a better cooker. As a result, the most exciting thing I've cooked in the last three weeks has been a Bachelors Pasta ‘n’ Sauce. So while this might not be the most inventive brunch you've ever seen, it's infinity per cent better than my regular fare:

Scrambled eggs with smoked salmon

There are eleventy billion ways to cook scrambled eggs. This is my way. It works.

1. Turn on the heat under the frying pan. The high end of medium but not full blast. Go away and read a book for half an hour.
2. Stick a knob of butter and a small splash of milk into the pan. Not too much milk or you'll get wet eggs. The only difficult bit in this recipe is guessing in advance how much milk is too much, and that's what practice is for.
3. When the butter's melted, give the pan a shoogle to mix it all up. Grind a generous amount of black pepper into the pan (do it now because you won't have time in a minute). No salt. Never add salt to eggs until you're finished cooking them. In any case you're about to add salty, salty fish.
4. A dash of chilli sauce (I'm never going back to Tabasco, I can't, I won't, but you can use it if it's all you have). This step is optional, but trust me.
5. Crack three eggs into the pan and, by the time you've washed the egg goop off your fingers, they'll have started to set. Scribble about in the pan with a wooden spoon.
6. Dump in a generous handful of smoked salmon chopped up into scraps. I've got some fantastic oak-smoked stuff from the farmers' market, but Tesco Value smoked salmon does the job perfectly well. (Don't get that because it's Tesco, but the equivalent cheap stuff from non-Workfare-using supermarkets is fine.) This step is also optional, but it wouldn't be much of a scrambled eggs with smoked salmon if you skip it.
7. Continue scribbling.
8. Take the pan off the heat half a minute before it's done to your liking. The eggs will continue to cook in the residual heat.

Served with crumpets because I didn't have any muffins. And it was fabulous.

Kedgereeeeeeeeeeeeee

[davegodfrey]

Take some rice, one to one and a half eggs per person, a nice big portion of smoked haddock fillet (generally best if its skinless), a couple of small red onions (because they look prettier) and as many peas as you want. You will want some, although asparagus spears could work very nicely. Hard boil the eggs, boil the rice until done (add the peas about five minutes before the rice is done). Poach the haddock in some milk for about 10-15 minutes. While this is going on start frying the onion, adding salt, pepper, and whatever other herbs and spices you like. I put a bit of cayenne pepper in, but mustard powder would work well. By the time the onions have started softening the eggs should be done, so peel and chop them. Drain the haddock and break into flakes, and add the eggs, rice, peas, and fish to the pan with a little milk, and some frehs chives and parsley. Stir it about for a minute or so.

Serve with a wedge of lemon or lime.

Eggs Benedict

[digitalraven]

Breakfast

Makes 4, serves 2

Ingredients
1 egg yolk
1tsp water
1tsp white wine vinegar
100g salted butter
2 English muffins (split) or 4 crumpets
4 eggs 4 rashers unsmoked back bacon

First, make your Hollandaise. Wait, what? I have to explain this? Oh, cock.

1. Half-fill a small pan with boiling water. Take a large bowl, and check that it’ll sit on top of the pan without the water touching the bottom. Put the pan on the lowest heat your hob can do—you want occasional tiny bubbles raising from the bottom, not even a simmer.
2. Melt the butter in another pan.
3. Whisk the egg yolk, vinegar, and water together in the bowl. Put it over the pan with water, and whisk for a couple of minutes. If it starts going lumpy or scrambling, it’s too fucking hot. Stop, clean up, and start again. It’ll slowly get pale and increase in volume. This is good.
4. Slowly drizzle the butter into the bowl. Keep it over the heat. Whisk all the time. When it gets lovely and thick and unctuous, take the bowl off the heat and set aside.

Now, prep the whole thing. Each person gets two crumpets (or one muffin, split). Toast them to your satisfaction. Fry the bacon and place one on top of each crumpet. Top each with a poached egg.

Oh, fuck off.

Right.

1. Use the freshest eggs you can get. Crack them into bowls or ramekins.
2. Pan of boiling water. Add 1tbsp vinegar and a pinch of salt. Bring it to a rolling boil.
3. Gently tip the eggs in to the water. You can do two at once, but no more.
4. Set a timer for 3 minutes (add 30 seconds if using large eggs rather than medium).
5. Extract the eggs with a slotted spoon and rest on a sheet of kitchen roll. If doing multiple batches, wait for the water to reach a rolling boil once more.

Right. Two crumpets. One rasher bacon per. One poached egg per. A really generous spoonful of sauce over each one.

Get it down you.